11 January, 2017
7 Foods That Aren’t Better When They’re Made More Classy
I’d like to start things off here with a controversial statement: food is good and important. Sure, we sometimes go too far in our pursuit of the most extreme nosh, but people can also be guilty of going in the other direction — classing up a food that is meant to be simple and of the people. Here are the foods that don’t get better when they get made all fancy-like.
To start, let me be clear that I do not think putting cheese on a hamburger is “classing it up”. That’s not what this is about. No, what I mean is the way so many restaurants will make their hamburgers form Kobe beef, or add truffles, or whatever other gourmet stuff they can muster up. Why, though? You can get a really, really good hamburger at In-N-Out or Shake Shack. I mean, Shake Shack has one of the highest price points in the fast food game, and it’s still like nine bucks. Just don’t overcook the damn thing, use a nice bun, and have fresh ingredients. There, you got yourself an incredibly tasty burger.
Nothing heats up as at the same exact speed that cheese does. I mean, I’m sure SOME THINGS do, but I’ve never had them on a fancy ass grilled cheese before. So you always end with melted cheese, and cold whatever else is in there. THAT DEFEATS THE PURPOSE OF A GRILLED CHEESE! I just want pan-fried bread and melted cheese. Maybe a tomato is okay in there, or a very thing strip of some sort of meat.
Man, there’s a food truck in LA that sells hot dogs for like seven bucks, and it’s absurd. They have so much stupid crap on it, that it feels like you’re eating a bun loaded with garbage. You’re over powering the hot dog! Chili, onions, pickles, mustard, ketchup. There’s not much else you need to put on there. I saw a place selling a hot dog with lobster on it, and it’s just like… why? Those go separately.
Some very nice restaurants have started offering dessert items like “homemade chocolate bars”, made with expensive chocolate and upscale ingredients. And they’re very good! You know what they’re not as good as, though? A nice sleazy Reese’s Fast Break. Or a Butterfinger. Or any other incredibly rich, one dollar candy bars.
A lobster roll is already a very pricey item; why do people feel the need to gussy it up? It’s lobster! If someone’s ordering lobster, they want the lobster! At least with a hot dog, you could be like “Oh, well, maybe you’re a ding-dong using it as some sort of condiment delivery system.” This is lobster! It’s all you need!
I don’t need a donut that looks like a panda bear, or a donut with, like, snickers bars and captain crunch all over it. Just make a good donut! Your weird gimmicky donuts don’t stack up to just a perfectly made raised chocolate or Boston cream, so stop going so crazy with the ingredients that makes each donut cost 40 dollars.
Mac And Cheese
Don’t put bacon in it, or lobster, or truffle! You’ll overpower the cheese! And the cheese is the whole reason we’re here!