30 June, 2016
THE TOP 10 FAST FOOD GUILTY PLEASURES
No one’s looking, so now would be a good time to indulge in your helpless fast food guilty pleasure addiction. Between top-ranked pizza chains and a myriad of late-night options, you’d be amazed how low the self-control can go when the stars align, no matter how convincing frightening fast food facts are.
Ranked below are our 10 most addictive fast food pleasures from the guiltiest chains restaurants.
10. Wetzel’s Pretzels
Between movies and malls, you can’t do either without a stop at the greasiest of pretzel perversions. The hot soft-baked butter pretzels come with any choice of dipping sauce, but if you get anything other than the jalapeño cheddar, you’re an asshole. They’ve come out with Pepperoni Twists and Wetzel Dogs and Wetzel Bitz, but you’d be wise to continue with the Original, an old fashioned salted pretzel. Maybe get two dipping sauces, because they really try to gyp you with that cheese.
9. In-N-Out Animal Style
Even the healthiest foodies can’t keep themselves out of this drive-thru. There is a serious purity to this place with its fresh produce, cheap prices and nostalgic paper hats. But seriously, nobody can drive past one without stopping after catching a whiff of what’s going on inside. And the off-the-menu option, animal style, is just a guiltier take of a glamorous good time with special spread — extra cheese and grilled onions.
8. Wendy’s Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger
“It’s so good when it hits your lips.” If you hit up Wendy’s at a decent hour when they’re not too slammed, they’ll melt your cheese just right. Should you show up during a rush, expect some back alley burger that’ll make you hate yourself just a little bit more. Then add five-piece nuggets, sweet and sour, fries, a Frosty and — oh, what the hell — another Jr. Bacon (ketchup only). OK, now you can hate yourself.
7. McDonald’s Breakfast
On certain mornings, what’s the only decent reason to leave your home in the morning? McDonald’s breakfast. What’s your guilty pleasure? Sausage Egg McMuffin? McGriddle? Bacon Egg & Cheese Biscuit? It’s so cheap you can get them all and not give your wallet too big of a hit. Just don’t waste everyone’s time with the Fruit & Maple Oatmeal.
6. Late Night Domino’s $5.99 Meals
Feeds 3-5 people? More like one fatty fatso. When it comes to the best drunk snacks, it takes one of the top-ranked pizza chains to get the job done. Having the “Choose Any 2 for $5.99 Each” deal up your sleeve, matched with some late-night delivery, means you can hate yourself alone at home, the coziest of all self-loathing environments. It’s right up there with a 3 a.m. Denny’s Grand Slam before the sunrise faceplant into your plate.
5. A Bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken
It’s like pretending you’re celebrating the Super Bowl every week. All you need now are some sexy Super Bowl ads to go with your greasy fingers all over the remote. The best part about the KFC bucket is that the original recipe is good for fattening up the whole family. No wonder the Colonel was chubby.
4. Panda Express Orange Chicken
Feeling ethnic but still a totally trashy American? No problem. The last time I personally ate at “the panda,” I felt my insides being shredded after chowing down some of their rock-hard, bottom-of-the-barrel, yet deliciously glazed orange chicken. I’m not saying I didn’t love it in my mouth or have second thoughts with each bite, but I definitely haven’t been back since. It’s a guilty pleasure as much as a remorseful one.
3. Arby’s Curly Fries
Next to 7-Eleven nachos and AM/PM gas station hot dogs, this is about as low as it goes. Well, that, and Long John Silver’s. Do people still go there? There isn’t much more to say. We all know how gross Arby’s and their roast beef can be, but quite frankly, those damn curly fries are irresistible, even if they straighten up and burn on the way out.
2. Taco Bell $5 Buck Box
Who doesn’t love a box full of cheap Mexican food? For folks who can’t wait until Taco Tuesday for their Crunchy Doritos Grande Nachos Locos Especial (or whatever they call their pseudo-food these days), there’s always Taco Bell. Rain or shine. At least you’re not eating at Del Taco. You’re not eating at Del Taco, right!? For the best in Americanized Mexican food with possibly the quickest RTT (return to toilet) ratio, this is where you go. And don’t forget the cinnamon twists!
1. Anything From Chick-fil-A
You only feel guilty because it’s like joining a team of homophobic chicken lovers. The food is unquestionably delicious, but it’s not the food that makes you feel guilty, which is why you probably take it to go, am I right? Thankfully it’s closed on Sundays, or else the guilt would continue seven days a week.
Bonus: Golden Corral’s Buffet
Now mix all the guilty pleasures onto one plate and what do you have? Golden Corral. Potentially the heart attack’s best friend and ally, this is the no-holds-barred attempt at satisfying the most indecisive, gluten-loving obese candidates of all time. Let’s play the “How many things can fit on one plate that are completely unrelated and incompatible to one another” game. Then when it’s over, let’s go get three desserts in one bowl. Making America great, always!